So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
