remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
