My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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