Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
