Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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