So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
