i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
