Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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