If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
