I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
