I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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