Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
