how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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