Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
