just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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