every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
