He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
