listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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