Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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