Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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