God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
