Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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