Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
