I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
