actually, I'm a sock model
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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