i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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