if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
