I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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