dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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