It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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