Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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