dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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