You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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