I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
