Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
