It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
