Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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