my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
