i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
