Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
