Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
