so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
