I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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