Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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