Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
