Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
