I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
