i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
