I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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