Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
